Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
