I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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