i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
