K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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