I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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