On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
