I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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