She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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