I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
