WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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