Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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