kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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