OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
