SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
