Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It's blow job season.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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