Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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