I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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