I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
