My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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