my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
