I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
