Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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