So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
