Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
