dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
