just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
