That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
