You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
