Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
