apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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