Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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