I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
