so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
