My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize