Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize