why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish you could order shots online.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
