dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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