Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
