I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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