Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The beer is more important than you right now.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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