He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
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