How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
