Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
