Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
