He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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