so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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