I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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