I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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