i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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