Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
