from now on my penis is your penis
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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