You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
