I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
