I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
