my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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