i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
