My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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