Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
