You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
