Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
