im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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