wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
