Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
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