I showed him my bush... on skype.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
