I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
